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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/29224239">Colorful Flames</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/theonlywons/pseuds/theonlywons'>theonlywons</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Critical Role (Web Series), Dungeons &amp; Dragons (Roleplaying Game)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Angst, F/M, Light Angst, Pining</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2021-02-05</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2021-02-05</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-13 08:02:50</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>2,389</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/29224239</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/theonlywons/pseuds/theonlywons</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Caleb struggles with his past and the relationships he's making in the present. <br/>A kind of sequel to MintoKitsune's "All I Need is Your Light." https://archiveofourown.org/works/27636917</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Astrid/Caleb Widogast, Essek Thelyss/Caleb Widogast, Jester Lavorre &amp; Caleb Widogast, Jester Lavorre/Caleb Widogast, Shadowgast - Relationship, widojest</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>6</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>Colorful Flames</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>Spoilers up to c2ep103</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Caleb was sure his feelings for the blue tiefling girl would go away. He was certain that they had only appeared because she reminded him so much of a girl he once knew. And there were some nights when he felt like those feelings weren’t there anymore. Nights when he was pouring over a spell book, and he’d look up quickly to see a certain drow sitting on the other side of the table from him. The drow’s white hair falling in front of his face, a face so deep in concentration he didn’t even notice that Caleb was staring. <br/>Caleb’s feelings for Jester seemed to linger with him everywhere he went, but sometimes the blue tiefling and the purple drow would mix together in his head, and all he could see was a beautiful new color. A color Caleb was sure he only saw in his most wonderful dreams. They were complete opposites, Jester and Essek, but somehow Caleb was unwillingly attracted to both with the same amount of passion he once felt for a girl when he was just 15. <br/>There was one thing that Caleb knew to be the absolute truth, and that was that Essek was his best chance of becoming a better wizard. Essek, with his wonderful towers in the middle of Rosohna, his seemingly endless patience when it came to helping the Mighty Nein, and, honestly, Caleb’s true counterpart on this side of Wildemount. <br/>Essek, the prodigy. Essek, who betrayed his home country. Essek, the true cause of the war they just spent months putting a stop to. <br/>Caleb had never felt more conflicted in his life. He saw himself in every bit of Essek, and these new revelations didn’t change that view point. Still, Caleb was sure he would never betray his own home for personal gain. Caleb stated that as a fact, though it didn’t feel like one when he said it. Caleb would do anything to destroy the monster who ruined his life and family, and that was purely personal. <br/>As he sat in the sand on a beach on Rumblecusp, preparing their sleeping quarters for the night, he heard Jester sit down in a huff a few feet away from him. Her back was to him, but he could hear her talking to an unseen entity. He tried hard not to listen in on their conversation, but his ears still picked up bits and pieces. She was trying not to cry; he could hear that in her voice. She looked up at the moon and suddenly her conversation stopped. <br/>“You okay over there?” he asked, gaining Jester’s attention. <br/>“Yeah, I’m fine,” she said, wiping tears from her eyes. “I’m just drawing.” She quickly picked up her pencil and pretended to draw in her journal. <br/>Why did she feel the need to lie to him? At this point, they all knew what the Traveler was like. They all knew that this was an elaborate trick, and her god didn’t really care that much. <br/>“Didn’t go as well as you were hoping?” Caleb asked, hoping to get more information out of her. <br/>She was hesitant, but answered anyway. “In some ways it went better. But no.” Jester let out a sigh, and Caleb could swear that he could read all her emotions right then and there. <br/>“I can’t speak for him,” Caleb said, “but you do have us. So whatever you land on, Jester, we’ll make it happen.” <br/>Her eyes were still filled with tears, and it was difficult for her to get words out. “I have to figure out what I want to land on.” <br/>“Maybe we sleep on it, it’ll make more sense in the morning,” Caleb suggested. It had been a long day, and Caleb was exhausted. To be fair, he was exhausted every day, but this island did things to him that he did not like. <br/>“Yeah,” Jester said, wiping the last of her tears from her eyes. “Thank you, Caleb.”<br/>“I didn’t do anything,” Caleb said in a voice so quiet, he wasn’t sure she even heard him. <br/>He was slowly learning that Jester was so much more than that initial impression he got from her. When they first met, over a year ago, Caleb was sure that she was just another annoying person in his life, but he was willing to deal with it if this group could help him and Nott find solace in their lives. Now he knew more about Jester than he ever thought he would. <br/>	Jester had character, and was far more than just another bubbly personality. Though a person would never know, unless they got to know her like the Nein did, Jester hadn’t had the best life. Caleb grew up with a loving mother and father, and they gave him everything he needed in life for 15 years. He knew that both of his parents loved him, and they allowed him to go out and experience the world.<br/>	Marion loved Jester more than anything in this world, but she still sheltered her daughter. Jester’s only friend was a fake god who mostly used her for his own personal gain. A friend who made her cry because he wouldn’t tell her the truth. Jester’s father left, and it took him over 20 years to even acknowledge that she existed. <br/>	Jester was more than the pale blue flame that Caleb could see illuminating her when he was at his darkest. Jester didn’t exist just to light other people’s paths. Caleb knew this flame flickered out from time to time, as he saw just moments ago as she cried into her sketchbook. Jester’s flame was for herself, and her friends were there to help kindle her fire. The Nein were here to help each other. Tonight, Caleb was sure he would help his friends with the ridiculous problem this island gave them. <br/>	Caleb and Veth sat side by side under the dome, pale amber figures dancing around them. <br/>	“With just a little bit of jade?” Veth asked as she watched a version of her and Yeza looking down at their newborn son. <br/>	Caleb nodded. “We have learned a lot.” <br/>	The rest of the group joined them, and they all sat in awe as the amber menagerie of memories swirled between them. Caleb was hoping more than anything that this beautiful display of memories, of their life together, would help them remember who they are. For the first time in a while, Caleb fell asleep with only happy memories circling in his head. <br/>The redhead stirred in his sleep, unable to find peace even in this state of unconsciousness. His mind raced with memories of a life he once knew. Astrid and Eadwulf in their youth, laughing with him as they studied in the library at the academy. Him and Astrid sneaking around together, hoping their mentor wouldn’t find out. The wonderful faces of his mother and father. He dreamed of a garden he helped plant once, just outside the small house he grew up in. <br/>Bren was standing in the garden, looking up at the night sky above him when he heard his mother call for him. Suddenly he felt an immense heat on his back, and he turned around to see flames. His mother was standing in the doorway of their house, orange flames nearly enveloping her. <br/>“Bren,” she whispered. <br/>“Mother, I am so sorry.” His voice sounded almost foreign to him. He took a few steps towards her, reaching out a hand to help her out of the flames. <br/>She took a step back into the house, the flames fully engulfing her. She disappeared, and the flames burned hotter and brighter, causing Bren to take a step back and cover his face with his arm. When he moved his arm away, his childhood house was gone, but the flames remained, only they were red this time. <br/>A female figure appeared in the center of them. She walked forward, her facial features becoming clearer. She looked just as she did the day he first met her. <br/>“Astrid,” Bren breathed out, “let me help you before you burn yourself.” <br/>She looked at him, her face cold and unfeeling. “Oh, Bren, only you could burn me bad enough to hurt.” She turned her head, and there on her neck was the burn that he knew he left. <br/>He could feel the tears starting to form in his eyes, and he tried his best to keep them from falling. He reached up to rub them away, and when he opened his eyes again Astrid was gone. The flames had changed from red to purple. He knew what was coming. <br/>“Essek!” Caleb called out, searching the flames for any sign of the drow. “Essek?” <br/>“Caleb,” a voice said from behind Caleb. He turned around to see that the flames had completely surrounded him now. Essek stood only a few feet away, the flames just barely reaching his cloak. “There’s no helping me now. I did what I had to do to learn more about the luxon. I accept what this made me.” <br/>“We can help you, Essek,” Caleb said, taking a step forward and putting a hand on Essek’s shoulder. “You are not lost.”<br/>“I appreciate your kindness, Caleb.” Essek reached up and took Caleb’s hand off his shoulder and brought it up to his mouth. He kissed his knuckles softly before letting go. Caleb let his hand drop to his waist as he watched Essek back up into the flames and disappear. <br/>Suddenly the flames dropped and Caleb was left in complete darkness. He was sure the dream had ended and he was just laying under the dome with his eyes closed, but when he tried to open them nothing happened. <br/>He felt an arm rest on his back from behind, like someone was trying to read over his shoulder. <br/>“What’re you reading, Caleb?” The voice was unmistakably Jester’s. The room lit up in a soft blue glow. <br/>Caleb looked down at the book that was now in his hands. There was nothing written on the page. He flipped the page, and the next page was also blank. He looked over his shoulder at Jester, who was staring down at the book still. <br/>“Uhhh,” Caleb started, trying to think about what to say. “Just a book about the history of Rexxentrum. It’s all in Zemniam though.” <br/>“Boring,” Jester said with a sigh. “Do you ever read anything interesting?” <br/>“No,” was all Caleb answered. Jester moved to be in front of him. <br/>“Caleb?” Jester said, causing him to look up at her. <br/>“Ja?” <br/>The soft blue glow that lit the room started to become more intense. Caleb could see the flames out of the corners of his eyes as he stared at Jester. <br/>“Would you ever betray us, Caleb?” Jester asked. Her gaze never left his. Her pink eyes shifted between his, looking for any sort of emotional response. <br/>Caleb was stunned for only a second before his eyes quickly averted hers. He looked back down at the blank pages of his book. <br/>“Never intentionally,” he mumbled. He could feel her eyes still on him. <br/>“Even if Astrid offered you everything you wanted in life to rejoin their side?” <br/>“I could never work for Trent again.” <br/>“What about Essek?” Jester asked. <br/>Caleb looked up at her briefly. The flames had gotten significantly closer to them, the bright light illuminating her face. “What about him?” <br/>“He’s taught you a lot in the past few months. Would you betray us to learn everything you could from him?”<br/>Caleb shook his head. “I don’t think Essek would ever truly be against us. He believes in knowledge, and so do I.” <br/>“That sounds like a yes,” Jester said. Caleb wasn’t sure what to say to that. Jester backed up into the flames. <br/>“What about you, Jester?” Caleb asked. She tilted her head, confused. “You’re being consumed by The Traveler. Would you betray us for him?” <br/>“I love him only second to my mother,” Jester said, the flames dancing around her hair. <br/>“Now, that sounds like a yes,” Caleb said. He finally closed his book and focused all his attention on Jester. She looked beautiful in the blue light, but Caleb knew the fire was consuming her, and she would be gone soon. “Don’t let his ideals consume you, Jester. He is not everything. You have your friends too.” <br/>“Thank you, Caleb,” Jester said as the fire fully consumed her, her voice fading out. <br/>“I didn’t do anything,” Caleb said, repeating the end of the conversation they had earlier that night.<br/>He was tired. More tired than he thought you should be able to feel in a dream. Sleep sounded amazing. He put the book on the floor and layed down, using it as a pillow. As soon as he closed his eyes they were open again. This time he was staring at the roof of the dome. He let out a sigh and looked around at his friends. Vilya stared back at him. He sat up to talk to her. <br/>“Bad dream?” she asked him. <br/>“Just a weird one,” he told her. <br/>“You know you mumble in your sleep,” she said. He stayed silent. “You said her name.” She gestured over at Jester. <br/>“Ja,” he sighed. “She’s going through a lot right now.”<br/>“Aren’t we all,” Vilya said with a light chuckle. <br/>“We wouldn’t be here without her.” <br/>“She means a lot to you, I can tell.” Vilya said. She could see Caleb tense at those words. “To all of you.” <br/>Caleb just nodded his head. <br/>“If it means anything,” Vilya whispered, “I know what it feels like to long for a loved one.” <br/>“But you know yours love you back,” Caleb told her. <br/>“I see how she looks at you,” Vilya said. Their conversation ended with that, as Caleb wasn’t sure what to say anymore. <br/>Caleb sat in silence for almost an hour before he realized that he had just said aloud that he loved Jester. It hadn’t been exact wording, but the word “love” was in there. That scared Caleb more than the peculiar dream he had just had. Caleb’s emotions had always been a huge puzzle, even to himself, but just admitting that one thing was enough to keep him up the rest of the night.</p>
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